i feel so terrible. my heart could not take anymore. i just wanna sleep forever.

you will never be replaced ;
11:32 PM

today he called me in the morning. talked to him awhile on the phone. morning chat is so nice. i can feel that he's so gentle. went back to slp for awhile and received msg from millie asking me to run with her for sundown. i agreed. cos she asked a few times oled. kinda don want to reject her so i agreed. anyway i need to exercise also. reached nus at 11. saw him online and chatted with him. till abt lunch time. i asked him what i wanted to. i told him i was upset when he said that i don need to know so much. his reply was just keep telling me that there's nth between the classmate and him. wad im upset abt is that u are not telling me things. im nt worried that u have got to do sth with that classmate. and he just said that next time he will tell me. so what can i still ask? so im telling myself not to think about that anymore. =) didn't went to swimming with him and his aunt because when i reached home they are oled at the pool. so i watched tv and waited. because i wanted to have dinner with them. so i msg him asked him whether going to eat after swim. he said yes. and he asked me whether want to go or not. so i happily agreed. =) then he msg me again. so who reach first then wait first. i was like -_-. cos the way he msg me its like afraid that i reached first then have to wait for them then i will be angry. i replied him. why u always make me sounds so unreasonable. i have gt no idea im like that to you in your mind. so went down eat oled then went back. he send me to the bus stop. and i have been thinking. he doesnt love me anymore is it? or im just being too sensitive? i just keep feeling that he doesnt love me anymore but just that he don feel good so he force himself to be with me. this is not what i want. i donno. WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO? im so sad. so sad. nth can describe how i feel. why did he change? why? am i the cause of everything? WHY DIN U CHOOSE TO TALK THINGS OUT ? WHY DID U KEEP EVERYTHING TO URSELF? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
i love you.

you will never be replaced ;
10:37 PM

wow. i slept from last night in the evening at abt 7 plus till this morning 8 plus. its almost 12 hours. its been so long i slept for so long. in the morning i still hear my da jie grumbling saying i slp so much. she thought that im sick, haha cos she use her hand and feel my forehead. so funny. 8 plus he called to wake me up. =) donno whether he still like my sleepy voice or not. haiz. so i wake up bath oled then go to work. told them im not working after 31jan. but then the girl who is suppose to come in on 1st feb cannot come oled, only after cny. so asked me to extend one to two more weeks. and i said ok lo. cos i feel guilty actually suppose to work till august de. but last min the sch time table change and everything change. so went off at 6pm today. haze dad fetch us back. traffic jam like hell. so after reach home ate dinner myself =( ta bao char siew rice. nice. then watch tv awhile and started doing my work. he msg me asking me whether wan to eat with his friend not. but i eaten oled so told him no. but i asked him to msg me when he's leaving cos i wan to walk to the bus stop with him. so he came. and while we are walking there, i keep thinking whether i should ask the qns not. but i did not. im afraid his ans will crash me into pieces again. and i have not finish my homework. so ta da. i walked home with a lot of qns mark on my head again. then faster finish my assignments oled then i went for my run. i know im still running very slow. but haiz... wad to do. last few weeks have been really a bad bad weeks for me. where gt mood to run. last few weeks is one of my worst days in my life other than my parents passing away, they rank i think almost the same. its so scary when i think back, when i have suicide thoughts. goodnight. i love you so much!

you will never be replaced ;
1:52 AM

did nt go to nus today cos need to return the car. eat breakfast with him oled then he goes to sch and i went home and slp. slp till 1 plus then wake up check the route then go and return the car oled. scare like last time late for one hour. the bloody company charge me one hundred for a scratch. asshole. my heart is feeling very heavy today. because of the sentence he said last night. i don need to know so much. i donno whether i shd ask him or not. after returning the car went to bugis and have lunch with wf. he wants to buy things. so we walk and walk and walk. he bought his fren's present and a shirt for himself. and im really sorry cos i gt no mood at all. i only can walk with him. till abt 6 plus then we went home oled. in the morning he oled told me that he wont be meeting me today. and im really fine with it. im not unhappy abt it. im just sad abt that sentence he said. when i reach home. i slp immediately. i love him so much.

you will never be replaced ;
1:35 AM

woke up very early today at 5.30am! and the first thing is to see my phone saw his msg. 'darlin i miss you ' OMG ITS LIKE FULFILLING MY DONNO HOW MANY YEARS WISHES LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW THAT KIND OF FEELING. so i quickly packed up the stuff and drove to his place to pick him up. when he came inside the car. he hugged me and said sorry. im sorry i cried again. its like i thought im losing him for good. but miracle happens. so off we go to ecp. there's a lot of doggy. saw two ckc but think hebe still the prettiest. haha. after almost for three weeks. i get to hold his hands again. =) i get to kiss him again. =) i really wish that this will last. so we went to eat breakfast at mac. =) and then we went to walked the flower shop. =) and he drove me back. cos im too tired to drive him back and then drive back the car. so asked him to drive the car back. i know he will get to drive so i put his name under the second driver oled. =) went home bath hebe and slept till 2 plus. then went out with him to ps. then we walked to taka to take my race bag. and the person told me don have my tee shirt size. was angry. then we went back to take the car. went to eat bak kut teh with his parents. then we went back. watch tv. went out again at 11 plus with his sisters to azhar to eat prata. and wen we reached his hse. he gt a phone call. he quickly went down and picked up the phone call. i only heard him saying oh no la i only went out for a drink. so i get down the car and asked him who call u. he only say, my friend. why did he reply me this way? when we went back i asked him again who called u, his reply is the same, my friend. i asked u the second time isn't it obvious i wanna know who is it. and i continued asking who is ur friend, then he replied is a classmate. then i asked why cannot he tell me the name? he said i don need to know so much and anyway we wont meet. i was so hurt. very hurt. and i continued to ask girl or boy. he paused for awhile before replying me, girl. i was like, in the first place u don wan to tell me who is it. then u tell me that i don need to know so much. then u said its a girl. how would i feel? i donno what to do. i love him.

you will never be replaced ;
9:21 PM

went to buy his favourite veg bee hoon. and waited for him under his house. when he came down i was sitting at the metal chair. he hug me. i can smell him. i can feel him. how i hope the time freeze there. and he drove to his work place and then i went to my work place. he msg me reached work place oled? i replied him. so nth much. till abt 12 plus. i asked kf whether his husband is her first bf. she say no is her no 11. and then suddenly she asked. how are u and n ur bf? it hit me so hard again. i tried to control my tears but i cant. i asked her how come you ask this qns. she said haze saided that u were unhappy during work. i really cldnt control and i cried it out. she was like omg. so sorry leh so sorry. u don wan to say its oki. really ok. after a very long time before i cool down i told her. not because i don wan to tell you. i cant tell u. cos once i start to talk i will tear. so i cldnt say much also cos i kept crying. so end work oled dr tham helped me see whether anything can be done to the scratches not. but too bad cannot. so i said nvm. and off i go. went back home sleep till 5 plus. then went to suntec with huey and baby. went to eat pepper lunch. then i thought of him again. almost cried out infront of my sisters but i didnt. managed to control it. so only bought two spag. and we sent huey to seng kang. went round and round for very long before i managed to find han wen's place. and then went back home. so tired. drive soo long. so sick of driving at that time. so quickly went to bed cos the next day need to wake up at 5.45 for hebe's run! i love him.

you will never be replaced ;
9:06 PM

today is a terrible day. just feeling very heavy the whole day. morning went to nus and work till 3. then took straight bus 51 to lavender and get the car. after getting the car. i seriously donno wer to go. cos i feel like going to fetch him from school, im afraid his bag very heavy. and this few weeks he have been very tired rushing out so many projects. i wish i could help him by doing some parts of his project. msg him asked him wer is her. he only tell me in school. and msg him again telling him i only wanted to go and fetch you. he did not say yes just asked me about the car. and so i went to park the car and went home. fetch yaya to dental. fetch her back. eat porridge. went for run. then went to fetch baby home. asked him later wer is he going. he din say. i asked him again. i think i asked him 3 times before he tell me he going to meet russell. i donno why. i just feel super terrible today. during my run when its going to finish. i cried again. keep crying. i donno what to do. i just want to do things for him like last time. is he waiting after cny before he have a clean break with me? why must he always drag? why? i love him.

you will never be replaced ;
2:40 PM