Thursday, January 14, 2010
today on my way to school when im in the bus, i jus keep tearing. i tried very hard to control, but it just keep flowing. he started chatting with me on msn. thought i don initiate the chat first, but im always waiting for him to come and chat with me. and he did. nobody will know hw i feel will he came and chat with me. but what we chat always ended up hurting myself more. even that's the case, im always still looking forward to chat with him whenever i online and i saw him online too. he asked me out for dinner today. i yearn to see him alot but im scare. anyway i said ok. so we met. all the awhile i din dare to look at him at all. i only manage to peek at his side view when we were crossing the road. i know i will cry if i look at him. i was waiting for him at the market. im so nervous. everyone that walk pass might be him. when he really reached, im so nervous. so so so nervous. from the start we meet, i have been trying my best to not to tear. i did not. cos i din look at him. i only ate porridge, and he kept asking me like this wer gt enough. he's giving me false hope by doing this. and he kept asked me to ta bao mee fen home, so that after my run i can eat. why must u be so nice to me. since u r giving me up. when we reached my hse downstair, i know im going to cry very soon, and the lift is reaching very soon. he came very close to my back and told me to be careful when i go for my run ltr. and he walked away to let an uncle to enter the same lift as mine. (shit, uncle why must u appear at this time) and he stand outside the lift watching me going up, and im crying oled at that moment. i will never forget hw he look at me. when he's at my back telling me to be careful for my run, how i hope he will just hug me from the back or kiss the back of my head. i was oled trembling. whatever he do, its either i feel that he's giving me hope, if not i feel that he's trying to destroy me further. i wanted to ask him, we can really be friends only? but i don dare. im afraid he tell me. YES! i feel like hugging him so much when he's beside me. i feel like giving him a peck on his cheek. i feel like telling him hw much i miss him. i don dare. im afraid of been rejected. he oled give up on me. i shd nt be thinking this way anymore. but i cant control. why not just give me a bottle of sleeping pills and it will solve my problems. i want him back so badly. but he just din want me anymore. not anymore. there's so much memories we have tgt. yet he can put it down so fast. he didnt tell me the problem at all! not at all! why cant he just discuss with me long long time ago?!! why u did not do that?! why?! and out of the sudden u are telling me all this! i just thought that u have no friends to meet out cos u din tell me at all. not at all. and yet u are doing this to me. i feel so unfair. so unfair. i loved him. i really do. i still rem the post i wrote what i love abt him. i love his dimples. i love e way he smile. i love e way he laugh. i love e way when he called my name. i love e way he hug me. i love his short hair. i love e way when he talks rubbish. i love e way when he acts like a retard. i love e way he kissed me. i love e way when he's jealous. i love e way he cares for me. i love e way when he greet me on the phone. i love to see him when he's aslp. i love e way when he look at me. i love the way he's acting. i love e way when he says cold jokes. i love him.
