Monday, January 04, 2010
today is the first day. suppose to reach nus at 9 but i woke up at 9.30. i saw his missed call. i thought he so fast thought over wad he really wanted. so i called him back yet he ask me where am i and why i nv go work. and i told him again that he didnt understand what i told him the day b4. i said, i did not want to receive any msg or call or even msn from him till he knows what he really wants then contact me. and he quickly hang up the call. then i sent him msg telling him the same thing again. and he nv replied from that onwards. as usual. wadever i do, my tears jus flow. while im waiting for lift, while im walking to the bus stop, while im waiting for bus, when im in the bus, when i do my work, it jus flow on when it feels like. its a terrible day. i left early as i told my fren abt it, n she understand. the same thing happens again. when im walking to the bus stop, when im waiting for bus, when im in the bus, when im walking home, when i bring my dog down, it jus flow. Then i went to dental and worked, joey n yan ping keep saying i look very sad. did i write the word, unhappy on my face? i tried my best to smile oled. For the whole day i did nt eat a single thing except a few pieces of potato chips and a cup of slurpee. im the last to leave the clinic, and dr tham was saying byebye to me and suddenly he ask, you lost weight is it? i replied, can see ar? haha he thought that i exercise too much cos he knows that i have the run. i din say anthing and i headed home straight. the same thing repeat again when i walk to the bus stop, when im waiting for bus when im in the bus when im walking to the lift, it just flows. i cant help it. when reach home i ordered pizza two for 19.90 and a ten piece drumlet. my sisters didnt not want to eat but i just ordered. i wanted to finish everything by myself not becos im too starved i donno why i wanna do that. pizza is here. i ate five pieces of pizza at one go. wow my first time. i donno why i do that. i feel like im an insane girl. i can don eat for the whole day, do nth else but just let the tears flow. seriously i jus could not do anything. i did not want it too. but i cldnt control my feelings. i believe things will get better for me. i believe there will be one day when i will just stop tearing. just that im still unsure when will this day come. maybe a month? maybe half a year? or maybe it will take a yr. maybe. i do not want to hope. im afraid to hope. i afraid that i will fall even harder if i hope. everything i do reminds me of him. everything i use reminds me of him. every songs that i listen reminds me of him. it reminds me how he wld sing in my face to irritate me. everywhere i walk reminds me of him. even in nus, he's been there before. tell me how to not tear? i know he's enjoying. i thought i know him but what happened a few days ago is so scary. So scary. i feel so lousy compare to him. he 's enjoying yet why am i tearing? he's strong or he's heartless? im weak or im too emotional? ITS A PERIOD OF 4 YEARS! not 4 days, not 4 months. it's so scary. one more impact from him i think i will be gone. he's so strong. but i know time will heal my deep deep wound. i given all out to this relationship, maybe that's why i feel the impact so strong. but why he's not feeling anything? is he telling me that for this past 4 yrs he's just acting to love me alot? i don know. i don wish to know. im afraid to know the truth. i cannot take any blows from him anymore. i will shatter.
